Most people think that being a people pleaser is simply being unable to say no. However, people pleasing can show up in another way without using the word. Another way is to agree and pretend that what others say and do aligns with your perspective and values, knowing deep inside that it goes against everything that is you. You convince yourself that you’re doing it to keep the peace and avoid conflict with family members and friends.
When spending time with family or attending small gatherings with friends, you often agree with them by nodding your head or remaining quiet, as if you’re watching from the outside instead of being an active participant.
But, during those times when you can’t hold back your conviction and accidentally express your thoughts and feelings, you quickly overexplain to defend yourself as to why you disagree, and eventually end up going along to avoid feeling awkward for standing out in the group.
Although your intention is to get along and be accepted, understand that when you don’t defend your ideas, you’re telling yourself that the thoughts and emotions of others have more value than your own. So you put them back in that secluded place where no one can see them but you.
If you think about it, you most likely have been doing it since childhood. At some point in your life, you learned this behavior. In the same way you learned not to be heard, you also were taught to believe that what others think in a specific situation is a reflection of you, so making a good impression is necessary. As a result, you smile and hold back, repressing your views to ensure you’re liked and accepted. When you have been doing this for so long, it is rational to justify this behavior.
No one likes to get into arguments, especially in a setting where everyone is supposed to be having a good time. But at some point, if you’re not there already, you’ll feel exhausted and frustrated with yourself for constantly having to hide who you are.
The truth is that when you don’t allow yourself to express your opinions and emotions, you’re the one who ends up feeling uncomfortable and resentful by continuing in that revolving cycle of putting others first.
When you can no longer force yourself to appear cheery and agreeable, your reaction to others will begin to change. You may not want to accept an invitation to happy hour or start speaking your mind regarding a specific topic that’s being discussed simply because you’re tired of pretending and going along with everyone else. It will feel frightening at first, after all you taught them to see you in this role, but the relief and freedom that come from standing up for yourself are liberating.
You can expect resistance from some family members or friends. But even when tempted to give in out of fear of losing their friendship or being criticized by family members, stay true to yourself and remain firm with your decision. In these moments, remind yourself of your worth and the importance of your feelings.
Depending on how comfortable you feel, you can also have open and honest conversations with those who don’t feel comfortable seeing you react differently, helping them understand your perspective, and potentially gaining their support. If you know you are ready to change this behavior but feel you need help, you can also seek professional assistance to help you establish boundaries.
Whichever route you take, don’t lose track of the importance of freeing yourself from the self-defeating thought, such as “I shouldn’t upset anyone”, “I have to agree to get along,” or the classic, “What are they going to think?. You belong in your own space and have the same right as everyone else to express your feelings without apology or over-explaining.
Make every effort to be consistent when you decide to take that step. The more you see yourself as someone whose emotions and opinions matter, just like everyone else, the easier it will become.
Consider which statements you feel comfortable using regularly as you change this habit. The more you hear yourself saying, “No thanks, it’s not for me,” or “I don’t agree,” the easier it will be to begin breaking it.
The more you stand up for yourself, the closer you will be to becoming more confident and unapologetic. You’ll find you’re more respected and valued for defending your ideas and showing self-respect. Your relationships will become more genuine and fulfilling.
Don’t worry about those who can’t adjust to your new attitude and self-expression. Those who care for you and can understand will learn to respect and accept this new person. You will be reassured of the acceptance of your true self by those who truly matter.
Remember, if you have been holding on to the belief that this behavior is what you must do to get along with others for most of your life, you will most likely repeat it from time to time. You didn’t learn this habit in one day; it has been reinforced over time, so getting rid of it won’t happen the day you realize it’s time to replace it. But know that the more you do it, the easier it will be, and eventually, saying, “It’s not for me or “not today,” or “I disagree” will become part of the confident person who is on the way to becoming unapologetically you.
Did you enjoy this article? If you didn’t, tell me about it, or you can always say “no”!